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Something is wrong with me. Some chemical imbalance in my brain, maybe my wires were assembled in the wrong order or something. Perhaps when pregnant someone punched mummy in the stomach and damaged me in my nervous system delvelopement. What ever the reason may be the result is still the same. There is something wrong with me.

I've never liked being touched by anyone, I barely even let my own father hug me. It disgusts me to have that kind of attention from certain people, that is all but one or two people. I cringe at the thought of human contact and when someone hugs me, and I haven't told myself its ok in my mind, then I recoil and it hurts on the inside. Foreign contact is odd to me and it troubles me. Recently though I allowed myself to let someone break into that shell and it doesn't bother me in the least when he hugs me or anything to that nature.

However, I still dislike most contact with everyone else. For instance my brother just came in and innocently grabbed my shoulder to ask if I wanted to play a game. I pushed him away. He meant no harm, but still I shoved and he gave me a look that kills me everytime. It's wrong when I do that and I know it, but I don't know why. Then there are people at school. Everyday in third period a kid sits behind me, an ingnorant ass. It's people like him who make people like me (if there are any) suicidal. He likes to caress my back and fondel my hair, he hugs me and touches me then says "I'm touching you while touching my cock." I'm not one to get angry only extrememly annoyed, but this, when he touches me I get an empty hollow feeling in my gut and I fill with rage and disgust. I want to turn on him and grab him by the throat and scream "I HATE YOU" in his fucking face, because everytime he lays a finger on me I slip a little further towards the icy ledges of the unthinkable. I have to tell myself not to do anything stupid though, because there are people who care about me. There are people who love me. No matter how he makes me feel or what immature comments they make about me being a filthy whore for wearing black bracelets, I am loved and those asses aren't worth the end.

And yet I still don't know why it effects me the way it does. Why do I let stupid things like a small touch or accidentle bump, hurt me in the most severe ways? Am I so messed up to only let one person have the "ok" to be near me? Its just something that has been weighing on me lately and I want to not be bothered by it anymore.